My behavior today morning was totally uncalled for. Shocking, I would call it. Juvenile behavior - no wonder SO observed that I am not man enough.
Strange - I am extremely tolerant in formal interactions, but become an intolerant demon with close people. Not a desirable trait at all. I wonder if everyone is like this.
The SO and I share literally no empathy with each other. It hurts to know this; the heart rebels to accept this, but that is the truth.
I am unbelievably happy, when I realized today that I still have the capacity to feel unbounded love. All thanks to interaction with one chit of a girl.
I still have to wait for a day to confirm that this isn't the manic phase of BPD.
PS: It is confirmed that the earlier observation was made in a state of euphoria (up-phase of BPD). :|
Needs further clarity... before posting...
I thought that I was I
and was cribbing about ME.
Now I know that I am I
and that I am also ME.
As I know this now,
the truth sets ME free.
Everything does need a purpose. There can be a purpose for living, without that purpose having to have any higher value or meaning. Just being needed (by someone) is purpose enough for living. :)
In my last post I had written:
... remind 'real-world-me' of its inconsistencies with the 'inner-me'
Reading the post over again I was posed with the questions
What is the inner-me and what is the real-world-me? (The Question)
I really don't have a right answer! At best I can attempt to hypothesize on it.
Whatever I am, whether it is the real-world-me or inner-me, both are products of my environment and my upbringing; so this differentiation of real-world-me and inner-me are artificial. The nearest I can come to differentiating between the 2 is in terms of the core principles that one believes in. I believe that everyone has a set of principles (core-principles) by which one is tries to live; the inner-me wants to live by those principles, whereas the real-world-me compromises when it becomes inevitable in the real world. Whenever, there is a deviation from the said principles, the inner-me suffers an agony untold, whereas the real-world-me cooks up all possible justifications for the deviations.
Some points to keep in mind:
Core values can be different for different people
Core values by themselves cannot be termed as 'right' or 'wrong', because right and wrong are individual perceptions. But core values of a person would be considered by that person as 'right".
There is nothing absolute about core values either - they are again the result of the environment.
So it's all in one's mind. :-) -A Revelation?
I was born guilty - and I am not referring to the original sin.
I was guilty of not doing my duties.
I was guilty of not living upto expectations.
I was feeling unhappy because of my guilt.
Was there anything that I could be happy about?
I like talking to people (would someone call it gossip?)
I like to share thoughts with others and rejoice when I find people who share my thoughts.
There are so many other things that I enjoyed doing.
But all the same, I felt guilty about doing things that I enjoyed,
- because I was not expected to do it.
I was not doing what I was expected to do.
Did God have a purpose for me in this world?
Probably, yes.
Is it to make other people 'Happy' by talking to them?
Again, maybe yes..
Can I honestly say that I am doing that?
Certainly yes.
If I live up to God's expectation, need I feel guilty?
Definitely NO!
Shedding my guilt made me free!
I shall NOT feel Guilty.
