Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Co dependent?

Been wanting to talk to SO, but am refraining from calling her, as I'd said I would, until she's clear about what she feels about our relationship. Feeling exasperated that she isn't calling - am I dependent (on her)? I'd wanted to discuss about G's altercation with a local dada - just exchange small talk...

JB had said something about co-dependency relationship. Am I in a co-dependency relationship? Confused.

Just checked out again what codependency means - one of the persons in the codependency relationship is necessarily someone who has excessive needs, neither SO nor I qualify for that.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

On procrastination

Even the most disorganized person would agree that there is a lot of merit in organizing oneself. I am myself a very unorganized person (Hey! what is the difference between unorganized and disorganized?) and have felt that I could be more productive (efficient, if not productive) if I were more organized. While this was just a feeling I really did not have any articulated proof, which of course set me thinking.

Does planning / being organized help one to be more efficient?
If it does, how?
Why am I not more organized?

Intuitively it is obvious that planning would help one to be more efficient, so rather than waste my effort in conducting an experiment to prove it, I took that as the basic premise. Now the second question - how does planning help?

Of course, we have enough real life examples to substantiate this; lets take a simple case:

If I want to write a letter, if the postcard/envelope/stationary were readily available at a specific place then the task of writing a letter becomes that much easier than having to get together all the required stuff before actually starting the task. So an unorganized person has the additional preparatory task of getting the environment right before even commencing the work!
Now comes the actual task of writing - one needs to have the contents of the letter well organized in one's mind before being able to put it down on paper, which means that there would be atleast a couple of rough drafts before we get to express ourselves correctly. One can also settle for an overly over-written letter with scratches and scrawls. Of course in today's world with the computer at hand this task has become much easier and hence we have more people corresponding through emails, blogs and a variety of other formats.

Just a simple task of writing a letter shows that being organized both physically and mentally is required to achieve the objective. Just imagine the perils to which a letter written by an unorganized person is subject to! It is more likely to die a premature death than reach the intended person. So the next time round when you run into the intended receiver, imagine having to sheepishly say, "Oh, I did so much want to write to you, but I couldn't find my pen". The point here is that being unorganized also leads to procrastination.

Now why would an intelligent person like I be unorganized? Why can't I be more organized? That is a good question.

Hypnagogia

I was in a hypnagogicor hypnopompic state today morning (4.30 am). Had clarity of thought with obvious solutions to problems - I was able to view everything with remarkable clarity.

Emotionally I feel stable and my mood is positive. Is this positive phase of an oscillating rhythm?

Monday, October 29, 2012

Things that bother me ...

There are certain things which bother me wrt SO. Probably in the normal course of things these things wouldn't bother me as much, but given the fragile nature of our relationship, it does.

SO has installed (some time ago) a compressor pump in the borewell in her farm. She's calling her sister to operate (inaugurate) the pump the first time. There's nothing wrong with any of this, but it bothers me that I was given this update only as an aside. It makes me feel left out. Sharing of events etc has become nil. :|

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I need to grow up

My behavior today morning was totally uncalled for. Shocking, I would call it. Juvenile behavior - no wonder SO observed that I am not man enough.

Strange - I am extremely tolerant in formal interactions, but become an intolerant demon with close people. Not a desirable trait at all. I wonder if everyone is like this.

VaethaaLam Murungaimarathil...

Today morning I once again had a wild fit of temper.

Is it only because of external stimuli? or is it because of internal hormonal changes, and external stimuli are just convenient pegs on which to hang the blame?

The stimulus was innocent enough and did not warrant a full blown temper tantrum like the one I threw. So it could be a changed internal state.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hold my hands

Lend me a shoulder,
Hold my hands and
Lead me to clarity comfort(?).

That's all I ask,
But there's no one,
Not the person I wanted.

Am I right to expect?
or should I pick myself up
and trudge along?

Because trudge along is
what I am capable of.
Lacking energy, lacking passion
broken in spirit.


Clingy

I am both, jealous and clingy, which I presume are symptoms of being rejected.

Edited to add: I got another answer - that they are symptomatic of insecurity, I agree.

Incident

I was interacting with SO by phone; during the exchange something happened and I lost my temper and shouted at her. Now I've lost the equanimity that I was maintaining. It had kind of triggered my depression again.

I seem unable to recall what it feels like to be happy. I seem to have lost that ability totally.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Is true empathy possible?

I've seen people behave 'oddly', at least from my perspective. Try as much as I could, to put myself in their place, I still couldn't fathom why they behaved in the way they did.

Of late, in several situations, I'm behaving 'oddly' by my own standards; I have no control over it and feel pretty bad about it. Shows that one can never judge another.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Online relationships

I find online relationships comfortable. Why? I have the benefits of the relationship, without having to commit to the relationship. Break-ups are easy.

Edited on Feb 12, 2013 to add: JB's post, A case for superficial friendships seems appropriate in this context.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Approval

I always seek approval and validation for all my actions. Can't I act of my own accord and yet be happy? I shall strive for that.

Realization

The SO and I share literally no empathy with each other. It hurts to know this; the heart rebels to accept this, but that is the truth.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Me and I

Who am I?
A question that most (confused) people would have asked themselves sometime or the other. There are perhaps some people who are not troubled by such inane questions. I belong to the former category. I have asked myself this question several times and have come up with different answers at different times.

Recently I came up with an answer with a different perspective.

I am I, but I am not Me
I am active, not passive like Me
I do all the work, but everyone credits Me for it.
Who am I?

I am not Me nor Me I
I am I and Me is Me
I am active, making ME passive
If I resolve this conflict,
It will make Me happy.

Nihilist?

Today I got to read about Friedrich Nietzsche and about Nihilism on Wikipedia. I quote the definition of Nihilism from the wiki:
Nihilism (from the Latin nihil, nothing) is a philosophical position which argues that existence is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value.
...
The term nihilism is sometimes used synonymously with anomie to denote a general mood of despair at the pointlessness of existence.

It pretty much defines my mood at most times.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Writing problem

I have a problem - many a time I have some idea that I want to blog on when I am in a specific emotional state, but then I am not able to post the idea, because by the time I get down to blogging, my emotional state has changed and I find the idea totally irrelevant.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Purpose of living

I just can't figure it out. I don't see any purpose in continuing, and I see no purpose in ending it too. Does everything need a purpose?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Achievement

I am a fairly intelligent being - I ought to have achieved more in life. But I haven't, by my own standards, also by the standards of those around me. What is it that I lack?