I can spend countless hours reading her posts and sobbing over them. I don't know why (I cry). Her posts have that effect on me. I haven't even met her. Perhaps I don't want need to even meet her.
Today I had my second appointment with my counselor. It was impromptu fixed. Mainly spoke about my relationship issues. It was good. Came out feeling better.
PS: After my first appointment with her I felt her to be a mumbo-jumbo person. First impressions can be wrong.
My behavior today morning was totally uncalled for. Shocking, I would call it. Juvenile behavior - no wonder SO observed that I am not man enough.
Strange - I am extremely tolerant in formal interactions, but become an intolerant demon with close people. Not a desirable trait at all. I wonder if everyone is like this.
Today morning I once again had a wild fit of temper.
Is it only because of external stimuli? or is it because of internal hormonal changes, and external stimuli are just convenient pegs on which to hang the blame?
The stimulus was innocent enough and did not warrant a full blown temper tantrum like the one I threw. So it could be a changed internal state.
Lend me a shoulder,
Hold my hands and
Lead me to clarity comfort(?).
That's all I ask,
But there's no one,
Not the person I wanted.
Am I right to expect?
or should I pick myself up
and trudge along?
Because trudge along is
what I am capable of.
Lacking energy, lacking passion
broken in spirit.
I am both, jealous and clingy, which I presume are symptoms of being rejected.
Edited to add: I got another answer - that they are symptomatic of insecurity, I agree.
I was interacting with SO by phone; during the exchange something happened and I lost my temper and shouted at her. Now I've lost the equanimity that I was maintaining. It had kind of triggered my depression again.
I seem unable to recall what it feels like to be happy. I seem to have lost that ability totally.
Whenever I read that blog, I can just burst into tears. Even now I burst into tears. I've never like this ever before.
Yesterday was a roller coaster day. The whole day was full of fun, but late last night I cried and cried. It happened while I was reading a blog. There was no rational reason why I did so. But the crying was cathartic.
The SO and I share literally no empathy with each other. It hurts to know this; the heart rebels to accept this, but that is the truth.
Melancholy has a way of becoming pervasive, when happy moments seem like wisps of smoke dissolving into thin air.
I am unbelievably happy, when I realized today that I still have the capacity to feel unbounded love. All thanks to interaction with one chit of a girl.
I still have to wait for a day to confirm that this isn't the manic phase of BPD.
PS: It is confirmed that the earlier observation was made in a state of euphoria (up-phase of BPD). :|
For the first time in my life, I've felt really rejected. How does one cope when the only person you can go to is the person to reject you?
I have a problem - many a time I have some idea that I want to blog on when I am in a specific emotional state, but then I am not able to post the idea, because by the time I get down to blogging, my emotional state has changed and I find the idea totally irrelevant.
Never take liberties with anybody - particularly virtual acquaintances.
I dont seem to have learnt this lesson at all.
Why do I have to feel hurt by the words of an unknown person?
But I deserved it, I did provoke him.
So what's the hassle?
Nothing, it still takes a couple of minutes for the adrenaline to subside and for me to regain my composure.
Now I'm fine. :)
