My behavior today morning was totally uncalled for. Shocking, I would call it. Juvenile behavior - no wonder SO observed that I am not man enough.
Strange - I am extremely tolerant in formal interactions, but become an intolerant demon with close people. Not a desirable trait at all. I wonder if everyone is like this.
Today morning I once again had a wild fit of temper.
Is it only because of external stimuli? or is it because of internal hormonal changes, and external stimuli are just convenient pegs on which to hang the blame?
The stimulus was innocent enough and did not warrant a full blown temper tantrum like the one I threw. So it could be a changed internal state.
I was interacting with SO by phone; during the exchange something happened and I lost my temper and shouted at her. Now I've lost the equanimity that I was maintaining. It had kind of triggered my depression again.
I seem unable to recall what it feels like to be happy. I seem to have lost that ability totally.
I always seek approval and validation for all my actions. Can't I act of my own accord and yet be happy? I shall strive for that.
I was born guilty - and I am not referring to the original sin.
I was guilty of not doing my duties.
I was guilty of not living upto expectations.
I was feeling unhappy because of my guilt.
Was there anything that I could be happy about?
I like talking to people (would someone call it gossip?)
I like to share thoughts with others and rejoice when I find people who share my thoughts.
There are so many other things that I enjoyed doing.
But all the same, I felt guilty about doing things that I enjoyed,
- because I was not expected to do it.
I was not doing what I was expected to do.
Did God have a purpose for me in this world?
Probably, yes.
Is it to make other people 'Happy' by talking to them?
Again, maybe yes..
Can I honestly say that I am doing that?
Certainly yes.
If I live up to God's expectation, need I feel guilty?
Definitely NO!
Shedding my guilt made me free!
I shall NOT feel Guilty.
