Things that bother me ...

There are certain things which bother me wrt SO. Probably in the normal course of things these things wouldn't bother me as much, but given the fragile nature of our relationship, it does.

SO has installed (some time ago) a compressor pump in the borewell in her farm. She's calling her sister to operate (inaugurate) the pump the first time. There's nothing wrong with any of this, but it bothers me that I was given this update only as an aside. It makes me feel left out. Sharing of events etc has become nil. :|

It's over.

Last night I vented my feelings about our relationship to SO. She said that she did not like living with me. When I asked about the reason she said that she'd tell me (in a few days), but not over the phone.

Pleasantly surprised!

Today morning I received a message from SO, asking me to call when free. I called and was pleasantly surprised to be wished "Happy Anniversary".

VaethaaLam Murungaimarathil...

Today morning I once again had a wild fit of temper.

Is it only because of external stimuli? or is it because of internal hormonal changes, and external stimuli are just convenient pegs on which to hang the blame?

The stimulus was innocent enough and did not warrant a full blown temper tantrum like the one I threw. So it could be a changed internal state.

Hold my hands

Lend me a shoulder,
Hold my hands and
Lead me to clarity comfort(?).

That's all I ask,
But there's no one,
Not the person I wanted.

Am I right to expect?
or should I pick myself up
and trudge along?

Because trudge along is
what I am capable of.
Lacking energy, lacking passion
broken in spirit.

Clingy

I am both, jealous and clingy, which I presume are symptoms of being rejected.

Edited to add: I got another answer - that they are symptomatic of insecurity, I agree.

Incident

I was interacting with SO by phone; during the exchange something happened and I lost my temper and shouted at her. Now I've lost the equanimity that I was maintaining. It had kind of triggered my depression again.

I seem unable to recall what it feels like to be happy. I seem to have lost that ability totally.

Realization

The SO and I share literally no empathy with each other. It hurts to know this; the heart rebels to accept this, but that is the truth.

Man enough

Did I tell you this? SO told me this, "You are not man enough."

Significant interactions

Some of my recent significant interactions with my 'significant other':

May 1, 2011 - Book ticket to XXXX
May 5, 2011 - Book ticket from XXXX
May 31, 2011 - Mobile recharge
Jun 26, 2011 - Mobile recharge
Jul 02, 2011 - Visited SO
Jul 10, 2011 - Recd. calls reg. activity of Off1
Jul 10, 2011 - Broadband bill pay.