My favorite blogger

I can spend countless hours reading her posts and sobbing over them. I don't know why (I cry). Her posts have that effect on me. I haven't even met her. Perhaps I don't want need to even meet her.

Visit to Psychologist

Today I had my second appointment with my counselor. It was impromptu fixed. Mainly spoke about my relationship issues. It was good. Came out feeling better.

PS: After my first appointment with her I felt her to be a mumbo-jumbo person. First impressions can be wrong.

I need to grow up

My behavior today morning was totally uncalled for. Shocking, I would call it. Juvenile behavior - no wonder SO observed that I am not man enough.

Strange - I am extremely tolerant in formal interactions, but become an intolerant demon with close people. Not a desirable trait at all. I wonder if everyone is like this.

VaethaaLam Murungaimarathil...

Today morning I once again had a wild fit of temper.

Is it only because of external stimuli? or is it because of internal hormonal changes, and external stimuli are just convenient pegs on which to hang the blame?

The stimulus was innocent enough and did not warrant a full blown temper tantrum like the one I threw. So it could be a changed internal state.

Hold my hands

Lend me a shoulder,
Hold my hands and
Lead me to clarity comfort(?).

That's all I ask,
But there's no one,
Not the person I wanted.

Am I right to expect?
or should I pick myself up
and trudge along?

Because trudge along is
what I am capable of.
Lacking energy, lacking passion
broken in spirit.

Clingy

I am both, jealous and clingy, which I presume are symptoms of being rejected.

Edited to add: I got another answer - that they are symptomatic of insecurity, I agree.

Incident

I was interacting with SO by phone; during the exchange something happened and I lost my temper and shouted at her. Now I've lost the equanimity that I was maintaining. It had kind of triggered my depression again.

I seem unable to recall what it feels like to be happy. I seem to have lost that ability totally.

Is true empathy possible?

I've seen people behave 'oddly', at least from my perspective. Try as much as I could, to put myself in their place, I still couldn't fathom why they behaved in the way they did.

Of late, in several situations, I'm behaving 'oddly' by my own standards; I have no control over it and feel pretty bad about it. Shows that one can never judge another.

Online relationships

I find online relationships comfortable. Why? I have the benefits of the relationship, without having to commit to the relationship. Break-ups are easy.

Edited on Feb 12, 2013 to add: JB's post, A case for superficial friendships seems appropriate in this context.

Strange

Whenever I read that blog, I can just burst into tears. Even now I burst into tears. I've never like this ever before.

Catharsis

Yesterday was a roller coaster day. The whole day was full of fun, but late last night I cried and cried. It happened while I was reading a blog. There was no rational reason why I did so. But the crying was cathartic.

Silly thing I did

Last Saturday I did a very silly thing. I was walking down a hill path which had rock faces covered with dried moss. I scribed SO's and my name on such rocks all along the way - as though that is going to save the relationship. :|

Approval

I always seek approval and validation for all my actions. Can't I act of my own accord and yet be happy? I shall strive for that.

Realization

The SO and I share literally no empathy with each other. It hurts to know this; the heart rebels to accept this, but that is the truth.

Recidivist

I am a Recidivist.

Man enough

Did I tell you this? SO told me this, "You are not man enough."

Fast Finger

I suffer from Fast finger - a condition characterized by the frequent F5ing of a blog page, soon after posting a comment or posting a mail, in the expectation of a reply. Side effects - this condition has also feeds the egos of bloggers whose pages keep getting refreshed and indirectly increasing the page hits.

Melancholy

Melancholy has a way of becoming pervasive, when happy moments seem like wisps of smoke dissolving into thin air.

Significant interactions

Some of my recent significant interactions with my 'significant other':

May 1, 2011 - Book ticket to XXXX
May 5, 2011 - Book ticket from XXXX
May 31, 2011 - Mobile recharge
Jun 26, 2011 - Mobile recharge
Jul 02, 2011 - Visited SO
Jul 10, 2011 - Recd. calls reg. activity of Off1
Jul 10, 2011 - Broadband bill pay.

Happy

I am unbelievably happy, when I realized today that I still have the capacity to feel unbounded love. All thanks to interaction with one chit of a girl.

I still have to wait for a day to confirm that this isn't the manic phase of BPD.

PS: It is confirmed that the earlier observation was made in a state of euphoria (up-phase of BPD). :|